healing

ok. so here's the reader's digest version of God healing my back:

basically, about three or four weeks ago in conversation with a beloved mentor about prayer, i admitted (out loud for the first time) that it was really difficult for me to pray for healing. She wondered why--I mean, it's biblical and scripturally sound, and i believed in other types of miracles... what is the deal? As we discussed it further, what seemed to surface was fear and distrust: fear of failure that my prayers weren't heard or weren't good enough if God didn't heal; fear of disappointment in the unhealed person after their hopes were lifted then nothing tangible resulted; distrust that God could or would hear my cry; distrust that God could or would act on our behalf--fear that He didn't care at all or that He was somehow unable to act or move or heal. Because I didn't like thinking about such things, though I had felt this way for sometime, I pushed it from my mind and simply didn't pray for healing. Crazy, I know, and wrong, for sure.

So less than two weeks after this exchange: I hurt my back. I have a pre-existing condition called spondylolisthesis which is a big word for back trouble that can only get worse without intense and invasive surgery and tons of pre- and post-op therapy. The methods that got me better after the initial onset in high school was extensive physical therapy, shock treatment therapy, rehabing my back for years, and core work forever. On Grant's healthcare--while it is great and we're SO GLAD to have it--none of this would be covered, which makes this all suddenly very expensive.

The symptoms were clear: chronic back pain, sore back if seated/ lying in any given position for any length of time, stiffness, decreased range of motion... the list goes on. But the pain was the worst. I would wake up in the middle of the night with pain. I could only sleep for a few hours at a time. I was never relieved of the pain--forever constant no matter the position or time of day. I was, to put it lightly, miserable.

As I contemplated my options, I realized that God was being very funny and ironic: here, not two weeks after admitting that a piece of my heart did not trust and obey Jesus, I was in need of a miracle. I need healing by prayer--and I had to believe it. Head knowledge is one thing, but heart knowledge and experience--where the rubber meets the road--is completely different [thank God!]. Here's what happened after about a week of endless pain and sleep deprivation.

Wednesday: asked for prayer [but did not admit that I had trouble believing in it]
Thursday: asked for prayer from another group [but did not admit that I had troubled believing in it]
Friday: went to bible study, where we studied Luke 5. Jesus' question: "Why do you question me in your heart" absolutely jumped off the page and convicted me. Had he ever given me reason to doubt? Had he ever not shown up for me when I needed him most? And what about this doubt and fear and distrust? Was it so valuable and important to me that I would cling to it, despite my pain, against a possible healing? Was it most important to me than Jesus?

My heart broke.

That night I told everything to Grant--much of which he knew in bits and pieces--admitting again my disbelief. We prayed for healing and I repented of my distrust and choosing fear over obeying the Lord. We didn't really know what to do or what to say or what to think, but our prayers were heartfelt cries.

I woke up on Saturday morning--having slept the whole night for the first time in weeks--healed. I looked over and told Grant, "I think God healed my back," tentatively. I treated it gingerly throughout the day, afraid to be wrong... but I wasn't. God healed my back. I have had none of the symptoms since! Praise the Lord!

I am not some charismatic christian on pain killers. this is real. i'd never even been near a healing before, but now i believe! it would've been ok if God didn't heal my back, because in pointing out some blackness in my heart, and repenting against it, I was forever changed. The miracle happened in my soul; the healing of my physical back was just a bonus.

Thank God that He is willing and faithful and loving and able.

Anyone have any healing stories? This is the first experience in mine and Grant's faith journey.

God shows up in the most ironic/ perfect times

yesterday:
-i woke up late
-i solved two work chaos problems before coffee ;)
-it made us late for marta, which made us late for class
-i was referred to as the "white devil" by a homeless man
-i won the Guinness World Record for longest migraine
-i almost threw up twice from the pain associated with said migraine
-i sat through 7.5 hours of lecture with said migraine
-i forgot my purse
-i forgot my phone
-i almost lost perspective and got mad about all that stuff and about walking in the pelting rain

but none of that matters because:
God healed my back.
Done.
Finito.
HEALED.

I have more to say about all this later, but just to say God is funny and ironic and he loves us so. and it's amazing. HE's amazing. And He is WILLING to get down in the depths of our pain and crap and even disbelief and heal us anyway--not because of us or in spite of us, but because He is Who He says HE IS.

Luke 5:12-13
12 While Jesus was in one of the towns, a man came along who was covered with leprosy. When he saw Jesus, he fell with his face to the ground and begged him, "Lord, if you are willing, you can make me clean."
13Jesus reached out his hand and touched the man. "I am willing," he said. "Be clean!" And immediately the leprosy left him.

i just answered my last question

non-christian bands speak the words of my heart all the freakin time.
1-i LOVE september! and all things Autumn
2-i LOVE james taylor christian, non-christian, or otherwise--the man's a genius (and kinda cute ;)

if solomon had song of songs/ song of solomon; (whitman and) i have songs of myself. here's one:

September Grass--James Taylor

Well, the suns not so hot in the sky today
And you know I can see summertime slipping on away
A few more geese are gone, a few more leaves turning red
But the grass is as soft as a feather in a featherbed
So Ill be king and youll be queen
Our kingdoms gonna be this little patch of green

Wont you lie down here right now
In this september grass

Oh the memory is like the sweetest pain
Yeah, I kissed the girl at a football game
I can still smell the sweat and the grass stains
We walked home together. I was never the same.
But that was a long time ago
And where is she now? I dont know

Oh, september grass is the sweetest kind
It goes down easy like apple wine
Hope you dont mind if I pour you some
Made that much sweeter by the winter to come

Do you see those ants dancing on a blade of grass?
Do you know what I know? thats you and me, baby
Were so small and the worlds so vast
We found each other down in the grass

Wont you lie down with me right here
September grass
Wont you lie down with me now
In this september grass

John 4:24

as i'm contemplating worshipping in spirit and in truth, i can't help but hear the lyrics of a completely non-christian band flow through my mind:

"sing with your head up
with your eyes closed
not because you love the song
because you love to sing
because you love to sing"

without realizing it, i think the band has hit on how we need to worship the Lord:
sing with our heads up [above the thoughts and emotions and hurt and disappointment and distractions of this world]
with our eyes closed [fully focused without letting the outside get in or steal away our quiet time]
not because you love the song [not because the specific, temporary situation is great; the temporary may suck, but that's not the point, and that's not why you worship the Lord]
because you love to sing [because you love to love the Lord your God and because He alone is worthy of praise and worship]
because you love to sing [and you love it, the whole thing--the good, the bad, the ugly, the holy--you love life because yours belongs to Jesus]

i'm trying to remember this in worshipping the One True God.
other thoughts on finding non-christian inspiration that points directly to the divine?

married love

while there are many things to be said about dating love and engagement love, but marriage love is different. i've found married love is like an ocean:

you can never see the edges of it,
there are no boundaries,
and it can get infinitely
wider, and
bigger, and
deeper without your knowing it.
the horizon somehow expands.

and it's wonderful.
and it only gets better.
how is this possible?
only through the Lord.

food for thought

1. i LOVE september. it is my favorite month and b/c of it I want to name a daughter "Autumn". it's 68 degrees outside and rainy :) and with the windows and doors open sitting here in a sweat shirt and jeans I could not be happier!

2. i think about and pray about more love. more love in this city. in the church. in families. in marriages. in this nation.
"Greater things have yet to come. Greater things are still to be done In this city."

3. jesus ties forgiveness to love: "therefore i tell you, her sins, which are many, are forgiven--for she has loved much. But he who has forgiven little loves little." luke 7:47
--God, let us not divorce love and forgiveness.

4. when i think about how frustrating people can be sometimes or how quickly i am to assume the worst in people, i am stilled by this question: would Jesus look me in the face and say "were you justified?" or would He take my hand and ask, "did you love much?"
--forgiveness is more about me/you than it is about the other person anyway. if we haven't figured that out yet, we should give it a try. it is incredibly freeing and that's what God desires most for us: freedom.

5. think about dancing with your favorite dance partner. how easy it is. how you both know your favorite moves, and how your bodies move together. while recently at a wedding i stopped immediately when hit by the question in my spirit: "if you were dancing with Jesus, would you let Him lead?" would i? do i?

6. recently during a prayer meeting with a favorite mentor, she compared praying to talking things out as newlyweds. just as the Bible describes the relationship of us, the church, the Bride of Christ to Jesus, the Bridegroom, the Head of the Family. It made so much sense that, just as newlyweds throw new ideas at each other and discuss things back and forth, pleading openly without shame or regret but mere love, we throw our hopes and dreams and requests up to God. Just as newlyweds don't know how the debate will end up--who's reasoning will find favor over the other's--nor do we know until time reveals how God responded to our prayers. And finally, as matters of the family are decided once and for all by the husband, the Head of the household, so matters are sorted out and covered by God's sovereignty--He has the last word and we respect it because He is for us and not against us, with plans for our future and peace.

::For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future. Then you will call upon Me and come to Me and pray to Me and I will listen to you:: jeremiah 29:11-12

God is so freaking good. and i want MORE LOVE, more POWER, more of YOU in my LIFE.