I'm back...?

Well. It's been a while. Seriously. But I think I'm ready to come back to blogging.

I remember when I started it reading about how often one should post to her blog... then I thought, If I don't have anything worth saying, I'm not going to post - just for the sake of posting.

So I didn't.

The silence on here for the better part of 2 years isn't as simple as that. I'm not sure if I've had anything worth saying or not, but I know God has been speaking to me. Looking back over this blog, it's so easy and evident to see all that He's said and done in our lives and marriage over the years - all here in one place.

Blogging is such a snapshot of life for us and such an honest glimpse into into our lives - and years from now I want to be able to remember it all, or at least be reminded of what life was really like.

I remember in my early days of blogging getting upset about the number of comments - or lack thereof! - and thinking what's the point? Now I know better. You write because there's something creative that has to come out of you - not because it's perfect, not because it's finished, not because of the size or participation of your audience.

I'm coming up on a birthday - 29 on Saturday! - and it's really funny to think of the ways I feel older and more grown up. There is so much more to our life in London than I've written - more to our actual lives than I've written. But surprisingly (to me perhaps more than anyone) I have gotten good at listening.

Really listening.

Not listening, anticipating what she'll say so I can have a funny or witty retort.

Listening to her heart.

Silently, uninterruptedly listening to all things said and unspoken.

I love it.

So while there will be more writing and "speaking" on here, there is a much deeper, quieter listening happening here too.

Hopefully out of this quiet, pensive, meditative space something new will burst forth. That's why I think I'm coming back.

Write on.

Times and Seasons

"Jesus said to them, 'It is not for you to know times or seasons that the Father has fixed by His own authority.'" (Acts 1:7)

I realize that this was in response to the disciples' question about the second coming of Christ and the restoration of Israel, not in direct response, to say, my equally important question. But I feel I am in the middle of a season of when and why not now and I find myself pleading with God all the time.

Nothing wrong with that!

The disciples understood this and came from a long line of Jews asking desperately how and when and how long, oh Lord?! Most of the Old Testament is sprinkled with the groaning of people - the Israelites in the desert, the people striving to establish justice through judges, the nation crying out for a king, the prophets lamenting Israel's wayward heart, the "remnant" of the Babylonian captivity, the revelation of the coming Christ Messiah - the waiting, the disbelief, the confusion, the crucifixion, the three days, and finally the resurrection! There is hope and a promise and salvation as a result of all that, but what a history to have come out of.

So we, too, as believers corporately step into this long line of patiently waiting for the revelation of something to come. There is a powerful spiritual implication for each of us, if we can grasp it, accepting the season of already, not yet.

Today at Hillsong, I was reminded of this verse, and it seems that God is speaking right to my soul: Lucy, it is not for you to know times or seasons that I've fixed by My own authority.

There is a purpose.

I am God. You are not. {It's better this way.}

I don't need your permission; I have all authority.

I am trustworthy.

It seems to be much easier expelling energy (to my detriment, I might add) fighting the whole thing, but to what end?

He has designed it - any season of waiting - as a time to either struggle against the not-knowing and pout like a child {me, mostly} or to revel in the journey. Do I let Him lead me or do I seek my will, missing what could be something beautiful? Am I stiff-necked, proud, and untrusting or pliable, teachable, and moldable? Do I value the known over the unknown - no matter the cost; regardless of the One who goes before me and behind me?

It is a simple and frustrating question: Do I trust Him?

I want the answer. He wants my heart.

I want independence. He wants my humility.

I want knowledge. He wants my trust.

I want the destination. He wants the journey.

And he gave a cry, saying, "I have faith; make my feeble faith stronger!" (Mark 9:24b) Lord, help me learn to wait.