Daily Dose of Truth

I must say, the whole "ask and it shall be given unto you" thing is true, you know (whether you like it or not... as in my case). I have been really praying about the purpose in Gram's painful-kind-of-half-life at this point and God woke me up with answers.

He basically said that He's teaching each of us what we need to learn. For me, that's appreciating the PROCESS of things--all things in life. We live (and I am so geared this way) in an instantaneous world where major decisions are tweeted back and forth and huge things are created and passed on in seconds, it seems, always with the end result in mind. But the growth of a tree, the opening of a flower, and most things in nature take TIME and are a PROCESS. It's like He said to me, "Who the heck cares about the end result if you can't say you witnessed or were a part of the process? The process is your story. The process is your road map. The process is whole deal, and if you miss it you're missing everything. Jesus taught along the way; if you'd have been a disciple, it's like you'd rather have hopped in the car, gotten on the phone, read a blog or sent a message, picked up a starbucks, and then met them and Jesus at the next conference--and MISSED the most intimate teaching times. What the heck?"

Um, ok. Ouch.

So I'm learning about the truly organic, life takes time, joy in the journey PROCESS that makes life worth living (even in death, which is... a process).

He's also teaching me about how selfish I am. So selfish. It's ridiculous, actually. I wonder how mothers purge themselves of this selfishness to be self-sacrificing for their children... then again, it's probably a PROCESS :). At least 90% of my concern for the "timeline" of everything happening to Gram was about her--her pain, her anguish, her ability to have a certain standard of living and keep her dignity. But if I'm honest... hate that... As much as maybe 10% was me. It's too hard FOR ME to be there. It's too difficult FOR ME to think through and participate in. It's taking too long for what I THINK should happen. It'll be a whole different ballgame when she passes, because THEN I'LL begin the grieving process... Ugh. Sin is gross.

So within 2 minutes of that precious, semi-awake morning sleep that happens right before you consciously wake up, God spoke truth into me and lovingly convicted and reprimanded me. And I feel relieved and better about the whole deal, with a new perspective--not only on Gram and all that, but on the darkness lurking in my own heart. Yuck. And praying through removing that with Jesus's help.

The first step? God provided that, too. He's so faithful when correcting us, not to leave us in that pit of yuck. He reminded me of this quote, which I posted here few days ago:

"Let us touch the dying, the poor, the lonely, and the unwanted according to the graces we have received and let us not be ashamed or slow to do the humble work." --Mother Teresa

SERVICE breaks the bondage of SELFISHNESS. My daddy has told me that for years... "Wanna know how to feel better and quit your own pity party? Find someone else who needs something done, and serve others. You'll forget about yourself and will feel more connected to others in the process." I love my Dad. Anyway, now my Father in heaven has to bring this back to light. So my new thing is, "What can I do for you today?"

I'm working on it... I'm a fussy mess of a work in progress, but such is life--and that makes it better, not worse, believe it or not. Anna read me an excerpt from the book, Jesus Calling today {Thanks, Anna!!}. It says, "Thank Me today for your suffering and your hardships," for in the intimate vulnerability they bring, I can teach you the true gifts of humility and compassion.

Amen.